The past two days caught me off guard. Especially today.
I started looking for work on January 1st. For the past 16 days, I’ve had to learn the new system for applying. The last time I turned in a job application, it was in person and you had the chance to look someone in the eye as they took your resume.
Not now! I have to make myself look brilliant on paper after 12 years as a homemaker and homeschool mom. Thankfully, I’ve volunteered in the community over the years and had my own Photography business on the side….sorta.
But, these applications take a couple hours each and when you push send, there better not be a mistake. And to add pressure, I don’t want a job. I HAVE to have a job. Our monthly outgoing does not match our incoming and we will not be able to sustain much longer.
After being at home over a decade, stepping back into the workforce is intimidating…no, it’s terrifying.
Unfortunately, I’m now in luteal phase.
Even though most of my symptoms have been pushed down, I’m still not 100%. Still fighting a little brain fog, tiredness and a bit emotional. (Of course that is what’s on the surface. Deep down, I can feel PMDD trying to bust lose right now)
Since it didn’t break though in the last few months, I thought there was nothing that could trigger it again. But then I realized….
For the past three months, I’ve been either preparing for my husbands return from Afghanistan or enjoying him in my arms again. There has been very little to be stressed about until the job hunt began.
“Real life” had cut me a much needed break for a change.
For two weeks, I have been floundering, trying to send applications, will little response. And...sending my life out into cyberspace, losing all control of who sees it and how they will respond, does not sit well with me.
The out of control-ness is starting to break through my very sensitive PMDD nerves.
Yesterday, I was dropping off a few applications in person even though that’s not the norm. I was hoping to stand out by being bold enough to do it anyway.
I had to pull over and sit on the side of the road because stress began to slither into my veins and it was choking the breath from my lungs.
By the end of the night, my head was pounding, I was yelling so much about the endless online applications I messed up, my husband had to walk away.
He left me alone. I was so alone with only my thoughts that were starting to shift into paranoia and assumption.
Today, I woke up to PMDD sitting on my chest. An old enemy I thought, I…know God, had slayed. I thought the monster was at least tame, like a newborn kitten.
When it roared back into my body and mind over the last 24 hours, I didn’t see it coming.
By 10am, I alienated my family, caused so much tension in the house, I decided to go back to bed. It’s 3:30pm and I’m just getting up.
I feel like a truck ran me over a few times and I had a bottle of wine last night even though I had nothing to drink.
Stress was the culprit. And not even “normal” stress. Just the kind of stress the cripples those of us with PMDD. Mostly, out of control-ness and unknowns.
Those two things will break my Spirit and will invite PMDD back into my life.
Thankfully, the magnet kept depression at bay. Today could have been much, much worse. Instead of waking up at 3:30, I could have finally crawled out of the fog in about 10 days.
What a lesson today. I don’t like the lesson, but it was a valuable one none the less.
I have to learn how to process out of control-ness and unknowns.
I have to let God comfort me the second I feel the stress creep into my mind. I know what it feels like. I can tell it’s coming, so….somehow, it cannot be allowed to grow.
It’s like those little sponge toys that are really tiny when dry and get creepishly large when they get wet!
Somehow, when it’s still tiny and dry, we have to learn to separate ourselves from it and filter it through God, Truth and the peace I know is there for us.
Each of you are in my heart and on my mind daily.
I pray, together, we can find the answers each of desperately are searching for…. xxxx