I started to answer in a post from a sweet friend and decided I needed a little extra journal therapy tonight….
Gordita, I honestly don’t know. I feel like I’m in a war. I feel like the enemy is gaining ground. I’ve not given up the fight, but as I win one battle, I begin to realize there are more just around the corner.
Some I win and some I lose. I have a strong disposition, so laying down my life is not an option, but I am bruised. I am weary and I want desperately to walk away from it all.
The battle pursues me…
It taunts me and goads me until I rise up and fight back.
I try not to want a normal life. I try desperately to accept I have no days of freedom. I have better and worse days, but I rarely have good days. It appears I have ADD as well as PMDD and turns out ADD is no joke.
It is difficult to not want to give up.
And yet, I wake up each day and try. Why should my life just be about trying though? Why should it be about being an example?
Why shouldn’t my life be about living? About laughter? Why shouldn’t my life be about being a mom?
It should be about Christmas and making love. It should be about learning to cook and garden. My life should be about running a marathon and becoming a photographer that others aspire to be.
But that’s not my life. My life is vitamins and long naps.
My life is research and chocolate.
My life is “I’m so sorry” and “I can’t”.
My life is sleepless nights and guilt.
I long to look in the mirror and not see bags and dark circles. I long to see even a hint of who I used to be before my age and hormones decided to say “You’ve had enough for this lifetime. I own your energy, your love, your heart and your mind from this day forward”
* * * * *
After all the ranting about the ridiculousness of the situation, there is actually a flip side.
I know there is a purpose. I don’t appreciate the burden even a little. I don’t feel “blessed” and I am not thankful most of the time that God has chosen this thorn in my flesh.
But… (And I’ve always been told that when you say “but”, everything before it is wiped away, void) Maybe it is.
I have a husband who loves me unconditionally.
I have two children who are learning hard lessons in this life. They will grow into amazing adults because we are letting God heal them along the way. We are teaching them how to adjust to lifes hardships early. They will be the people you want around when you are hurting because their forgiveness and compassion run deep.
I have grace from God because of my weakness. He does indeed become strong, because I have no choice but to let Him take over. Most of the time I’m just a limp fish, but when I do let Him…it’s glorious and He shines brighter in our lives than the sun. He picks up the pieces when I let Him and He holds me when I let go of my stubbornness.
I am not going to lie and say I’m grateful. I’m still not grateful.
I’m pretty resentful. And yet….He is faithful.
I want to be free one day. I may not be free until I leave this body though. And I am not thrilled about it.
I may be trapped for 40 more years in this cycle for the rest of my life.
I have this truth through it all though:
I can’t give up because I feel the love of Christ pushing past all the pain telling me there is a purpose for my life.
It is not beautiful to me now, but His specialty is beauty from ashes.
And I’m counting on it.
Added the next morning:
I posted what was on my mind last night, but I didn’t finish… not really.
The part I left out are the changes happening and the glimpse of hope for the future.
There is a sliver of hope and I didn’t write about that.
In the last two months, I was given a magnet that is helping during the luteal phase which allowed the ADD to be discovered.
The vitamins are starting to help me focus and have a little more energy.
Cutting out breads and sugar has given me a bit more stability.
Sometimes it’s hard to have hope when we are facing physical issues that seem bigger than life.
Please forgive me for leaving out the most important piece of the crazy puzzle.