I screamed so loud, I startled myself. I didn’t realize the scream was so close to the surface.
The dog was in the car with me on the way to pick up my son from play practice tonight. The incessant rain and headlights blocked my view. I realize I must have scared our pup to death. She’s timid anyway…the yelling was not directed toward her, but I’m sure she didn’t know that. It was directed at God.
I cussed and begged and reached the end of my caring tonight.
I talk to God AS IF He is real. Stop and read that again: I talk to God as if He is REAL. So stupid. He must not be. Truly. “He” is letting me slip into insanity.
The past two weeks have been filled with reminders to take showers. PJ’s or the same clothes for days. Is it that I forget or maybe I don’t care? Either way. Doesn’t matter.
My sadness is like the dark rain in this awful state I now have to live in. Always so dark. Did you know it gets dark at 4:30 in this damn place? I don’t have a chance. Really, I don’t. I need sunshine. I had almost 365 days of sunshine in Colorado. Not here.
Today, as I watch my dreams of starting my own business with photography and real estate fade away more every month, it is making me even more mad. Not angry mad. Mad Hatter mad. The kind of mad that people stop relating to….
Not the kind of crazy that prompts a cute Facebook repost of a quirky picture of an old timey character with clever words. No, the kind that no ones talks about. The kind that makes people a little uncomfortable to be around you.
Actually, most people don’t even know. Not really. They only see you during the part of your half life when you are ok, so the other two weeks of the months you simply disappear. Sometimes there are spoils in this war. This war for my mind. Friendships lost, jobs lost…. dreams unrealized. And THAT, that is the part that making the final impressions. The final creases of insanity.
The loss of potential. Dreams being raped, tortured and slaughtered by this disease.
I am talented, ambitious, quick witted….really I am. I can do almost anything I set out to do. I teach myself how to build websites, photography (with the settings off AUTO…no cheating), I am a phenomenal real estate agent, I know marketing and writing and people and I know how to have deep friendships and neutral conversations about politics/religion. I homeschooled and volunteered….
Give me anything. I will figure out how to do it.
But I will lose it all eventually. The only reason I am still married is because I have a stubborn, loving husband who has decided he was born to love me. He says I need to be loved.
I am so grateful for that part of my life. But he gets to watch me dream, brainstorm, realize the dream and lose it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
I want to share what I’m working on now because I am/was proud of it…or rather share what I accomplished right before this last two weeks wiped me out, but it’s not necessary.
They were out of the box ideas. It was beautiful. It was inspired. But it’s sitting dormant. Waiting for me to wake up. Waiting for me to return.
Instead, the phone rang today and the anxiety was so high I could barely breath. I rambled and made no sense. I had to make another call and not only was it awkward for the other person on the phone, it took a half hour for my body to stop hurting and shaking. BECAUSE OF A PHONE CALL.
Many more rounds like this and I’m afraid I might not make it back. I’m pretty sure there is a tipping point for every brain. A tipping point that homeless, wandering people never thought they’d reach.
I don’t know where mine is, but I know it can’t be too much further.
“What do you fear, lady?” Aragon asked “A cage,” Éowyn said. “To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien