Doubting Thomas

Today was hell.  Have you ever seen Dr. Who?  I’m addicted to the show.  I saw myself through a Dr. Who episode today.  My body was burning from the inside, I was being tortured by some unseen force and my life was draining from my body.  Great on TV.  Sucks in real life.

This is a quote from my Facebook page:

“Mercifully, I started my period yesterday. Two co-workers at different times stopped mid sentence…examined my face and said “You look different, relaxed maybe? Is your makeup different” Of course I knew. PMDD was not contorting my face. I try so hard to not let others know…but those around me can actually see a physical change in my features.
The best way to describe day 1: It’s like the moments right after a tornado destroys everything in its path…and then out of nowhere, the wind stops. The rain stops and the sun comes out as if nothing happened. And yet the evidence remains as proof it’s was not just a dream.”

The tornado ended after hours of torture tonight.  Right after I was cruel to the kids and cried uncontrollably and imagined putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger to ease the pain…. it just stopped.

The tornado stopped.  The storm clouds parted and the sun cracked through.

I still have a headache and it will return, but something caused it to stop.  It is like “The Silence”.  You only remember them when you see them.  The moment you look away, they were never there.

I must not forget and have false hope ever again.  I must not ever believe my life will be normal.  The pain of believing is too much.  The pain of hope stripped away is much more painful than giving up all together.

Now I know why people do that.

I wondered why people stopped fighting for their lives.  I’ve been a fighter.

I’ve been abused by every man in my life in one way or another.  Physical, emotional, sexual…in severe ways.  Ways that would put them in jail if I had someone who would have stood up for me.  But I didn’t.

I never gave up though.  I’ve always fought.  I’ve always believed.  I’ve always had faith there was something good yet to come.

Maybe if I had The Doctor and my life was fiction. But my life is very real and PMDD is real and it almost took me out tonight.  I sat in my closet praying for death. Praying for an end as I stared at my shoes.
Sorta pathetic I know, but I needed the walls to be surrounding me a little more.  The bedroom was too vast and lonely.

This last round felt like fire in my blood. The anger, the anguish, the finality…it’s to much for this body.

My brain has absorbed so much pain, it’s no longer able to find happiness. Maybe it’s contaminined and poisoned by the PMDD.

When I start my period, it will be as if I turned away from “The Silence” and I will pursue my dreams again.  I will forget how far down I can sink into the agony of blackness.

I wonder if I will try or if I will foolishly search for hope again.

This time, I stopped believing in God by choice.  It’s not possible to be trapped so deep into the blackness by your own body and there still be a loving God.

We’ll see if God can prove “He” is real.  At this point, I need proof.  I need to see the nails in your hands God.  You gave that to Thomas.  Just call me Thomas now.  Because after tonight…I have so much doubt.

You said, “The joy of the Lord is my strength”.  I’ve sought “You” for 14 years.  Where is my strength and where is the joy and for that matter, where are You?

Lost Potential

I screamed so loud, I startled myself. I didn’t realize the scream was so close to the surface.

The dog was in the car with me on the way to pick up my son from play practice tonight.  The incessant rain and headlights blocked my view.  I realize I must have scared our pup to death.  She’s timid anyway…the yelling was not directed toward her, but I’m sure she didn’t know that.  It was directed at God.

I cussed and begged and reached the end of my caring tonight.

I talk to God AS IF He is real.  Stop and read that again: I talk to God as if He is REAL.  So stupid.  He must not be. Truly.  “He” is letting me slip into insanity.

The past two weeks have been filled with reminders to take showers.  PJ’s or the same clothes for days.   Is it that I forget or maybe I don’t care?  Either way.  Doesn’t matter.

My sadness is like the dark rain in this awful state I now have to live in.  Always so dark.  Did you know it gets dark at 4:30 in this damn place?  I don’t have a chance.  Really, I don’t.  I need sunshine.  I had almost 365 days of sunshine in Colorado.  Not here.

Today, as I watch my dreams of starting my own business with photography and real estate fade away more every month, it is making me even more mad.  Not angry mad.  Mad Hatter mad.  The kind of mad that people stop relating to….

Not the kind of crazy that prompts a cute Facebook repost of a quirky picture of an old timey character with clever words.  No, the kind that no ones talks about.  The kind that makes people a little uncomfortable to be around you.

Actually, most people don’t even know.  Not really.  They only see you during the part of your half life when you are ok, so the other two weeks of the months you simply disappear.  Sometimes there are spoils in this war.  This war for my mind.  Friendships lost, jobs lost…. dreams unrealized.  And THAT, that is the part that making the final impressions.  The final creases of insanity.

The loss of potential.  Dreams being raped, tortured and slaughtered by this disease.

I am talented, ambitious, quick witted….really I am.  I can do almost anything I set out to do.  I teach myself how to build websites, photography (with the settings off AUTO…no cheating), I am a phenomenal real estate agent, I know marketing and writing and people and I know how to have deep friendships and neutral conversations about politics/religion.  I homeschooled and volunteered….

Give me anything.  I will figure out how to do it.

But I will lose it all eventually.   The only reason I am still married is because I have a stubborn, loving husband who has decided he was born to love me.  He says I need to be loved.

I am so grateful for that part of my life.  But he gets to watch me dream, brainstorm, realize the dream and lose it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

I want to share what I’m working on now because I am/was proud of it…or rather share what I accomplished right before this last two weeks wiped me out, but it’s not necessary.

They were out of the box ideas.  It was beautiful.  It was inspired.  But it’s sitting dormant.  Waiting for me to wake up.  Waiting for me to return.

Instead,  the phone rang today and the anxiety was so high I could barely breath.  I rambled and made no sense.  I had to make another call and not only was it awkward for the other person on the phone, it took a half hour for my body to stop hurting and shaking.  BECAUSE OF A PHONE CALL.

Many more rounds like this and I’m afraid I might not make it back.  I’m pretty sure there is a tipping point for every brain.  A tipping point that homeless, wandering people never thought they’d reach.

I don’t know where mine is, but I know it can’t be too much further.
“What do you fear, lady?” Aragon asked “A cage,” Éowyn said. “To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien

Ladies, Don’t Underestimate Stress!

The past two days caught me off guard.  Especially today.

I started looking for work on January 1st.  For the past 16 days, I’ve had to learn the new system for applying.  The last time I turned in a job application, it was in person and you had the chance to look someone in the eye as they took your resume.

Not now!  I have to make myself look brilliant on paper after 12 years as a homemaker and homeschool mom.  Thankfully, I’ve volunteered in the community over the years and had my own Photography business on the side….sorta.

But, these applications take a couple hours each and when you push send, there better not be a mistake.  And to add pressure, I don’t want a job.  I HAVE to have a job.  Our monthly outgoing does not match our incoming and we will not be able to sustain much longer.

After being at home over a decade, stepping back into the workforce is intimidating…no, it’s terrifying.

Unfortunately, I’m now in luteal phase.

Even though most of my symptoms have been pushed down, I’m still not 100%.  Still fighting a little brain fog, tiredness and a bit emotional.  (Of course that is what’s on the surface.  Deep down, I can feel PMDD trying to bust lose right now)

Since it didn’t break though  in the last few months, I thought there was nothing that could trigger it again. But then I realized….

For the past three months, I’ve been either preparing for my husbands return from Afghanistan or enjoying him in my arms again.  There has been very little to be stressed about until the job hunt began.

“Real life” had cut me a much needed break for a change.

For two weeks, I have been floundering, trying to send applications, will little response.  And...sending my life out into cyberspace, losing all control of who sees it and how they will respond, does not sit well with me.

The out of control-ness is starting to break through my very sensitive PMDD nerves.

Yesterday, I was dropping off a few applications in person even though that’s not the norm.  I was hoping to stand out by being bold enough to do it anyway.

I had to pull over and sit on the side of the road because stress began to slither into my veins and it was choking the breath from my lungs.

By the end of the night, my head was pounding, I was yelling so much about the endless online applications I messed up, my husband had to walk away.

He left me alone.  I was so alone with only my thoughts that were starting to shift into paranoia and assumption.

Today, I woke up to PMDD sitting on my chest.  An old enemy I thought, I…know God, had slayed.  I thought the monster was at least tame, like a newborn kitten.

When it roared back into my body and mind over the last 24 hours, I didn’t see it coming.

By 10am, I alienated my family, caused so much tension in the house, I decided to go back to bed.  It’s 3:30pm and I’m just getting up.

I feel like a truck ran me over a few times and I had a bottle of wine last night even though I had nothing to drink.

Stress was the culprit.  And not even “normal” stress.  Just the kind of stress the cripples those of us with PMDD.  Mostly, out of control-ness and unknowns. 

Those two things will break my Spirit and will invite PMDD back into my life.

Thankfully, the magnet kept depression at bay.  Today could have been much, much worse.  Instead of waking up at 3:30, I could have finally crawled out of the fog in about 10 days.

What a lesson today.  I don’t like the lesson, but it was a valuable one none the less.

I have to learn how to process out of control-ness and unknowns.

I have to let God comfort me the second I feel the stress creep into my mind.  I know what it feels like.  I can tell it’s coming, so….somehow, it cannot be allowed to grow.

It’s like those little sponge toys that are really tiny when dry and get creepishly large when they get wet!

bigtoy

Somehow, when it’s still tiny and dry, we have to learn to separate ourselves from it and filter it through God, Truth and the peace I know is there for us.

Each of you are in my heart and on my mind daily.

I pray, together, we can find the answers each of desperately are searching for…. xxxx

Magnet Magic and Paleo

By mid October of 2012, I’d given up.

I was feeling a little better physically by switching to a strict Paleo diet.  That change alone has done wonders for my weight, my strength and the chronic “brain fog”.

I stopped using iodized table salt and started using Sea or Himalayan salt only. You would be shocked how sodium might be contributing to your aggressive anger and excessive bloating/water retention.

I can’t eat out anymore and grocery trips take twice as long because I read every label before it goes in my basket!  I wrote about my experience with salt  in another post….

I was drinking green tea with fresh lime juice every morning before I did anything else to begin detoxing my liver and neutralize the acid in my body.

But I still had no “good” weeks anymore.  The fear of PMDD caused a form of PTSD and the stress of that combination forced my adrenal glands to fail.

When I could find the energy, I’d  try to do an easy workout that caused me to crash for days.  When I say crash…I mean I slept for 20 hours at a time each day with my teens having to bring water and snacks to recover.

If I did start to feel better… luteal phase would begin and depression would pull me into it’s black, cold, merciless grip.

I lived in fear of PMDD.  I lived in fear of depression and lived in fear this might be the month I have the courage to end the curse of PMDD and take my life.

The cycle was vicious and endless.

….until God heard my cry and sent an angel, from across the ocean, into my life.

Please, if you have PMDD do not take lightly what I am going to suggest.  It’s going to sound simple and too good to be true.  But why not?  Why can’t the solution be simple?

I am connected to beautifully strong, tormented women all over the world in Facebook forums for those fighting the daily battle of PMDD.

I read the stories of others to keep from feeling so alone, especially those sleepless nights when my husband was deployed.  I kept seeing posts about the “Lady Care Magnet”.  I grew curious, but after years of trial and error including being cut open to check for endometriosis , I was a little skeptical….  No, I was a lot skeptical.

But God was leading me into a cross roads.  One sleepless night, I saw a generous offer from a woman from the UK.  

She was sending out Lady Care Magnets to women all over the world.

She was using her tithe to buy and ship them.  It took me a few days to ask her to mail me one…in the end though, I decided I had absolutely nothing to lose.

The Lady Care Magnet is designed for women going through menopause, but Julie’s theory was: If it regulates hormones from menopause, why wouldn’t it regulate hormones for women with severe PMDD?

My plan was to set up an appointment for a  complete hysterectomy as soon as possible and I refused to put another anti depressant or birth control pill in my body, so why not just give the magnet a shot?

I’ve been wearing the magnet non-stop for three cycles now.

And for the first time in 3 years I didn’t sink into the darkness.

PMDD has crippled me and destroyed relationships since I was a teen, but it was not a  monthly occurrence  until 2009.  Prior to that, it would hit really hard about every three or four months.

Now, it was coming every month and each month worse than one before.

The first cycle in October was almost euphoric.  I was still exhausted from adrenal fatigue, but I wasn’t depressed.  I didn’t know what to do with all the extra hours in my day.

I stayed away from the PMDD group.  I stopped blogging and sharing, because I couldn’t believe what I was experiencing and I certainly wasn’t going to share and give anyone false hope if it was a coincidence.

Since sadness didn’t overtake me in October, I had a few extra weeks to really focus on food and what I was putting in my body.

When depression takes over, it’s impossible to really care so eating properly becomes hit and miss.

For the first time, I could follow through with a little exercise and eliminate sugar, flour and all processed foods.

By the luteal phase in November, I was able to finish a P90X routine.  I wasn’t craving sweets.  I didn’t need a nap to get through the day anymore.

Depression didn’t hit again….

By December, I started to make plans to work again.  All muscles pain was gone.  Exhaustion was gone.  I could workout for over an hour.  (Sometimes, I crashed because my adrenals were still healing, but nothing like before)

Depression still did not come.

I’ve had a total of three days since November where I’ve felt paralyzingly unsocial, anxious, scared, insecure….all the normal feelings I used to face every month for weeks.

My observation:

I believe the magnet has lifted my paranoia and depression.

In turn, I was able to be consistent in my need to eliminate the wrong foods and add healthy alternatives.

The food, exercise and lack of stress from the PMDD is causing my adrenals to heal for the first time in years.

The result is a miracle.

I can still feel the symptoms deep inside of me and if I take the magnet off too long, they creep back in very quickly.  The magnet just seems to hold everything back and draws the shades back to let a little light in….

It’s the combination of the magnet, exercise and food choices, not one or the other.

I cannot thank God enough  for sending Julie Anne right when I lost my last strand of hope and allowed the restoration of my marriage, motherhood and my life.

For those of you who haven’t had success using the magnet, you might have additional issues the magnet cannot reach.

Food choices and exercise might need to be considered as well.

The combination might just be the answer you are looking for….Don’t give up until you’ve tried both solutions at the same time!

(Also, I learned the magnet cannot be used with progesterone cream or birth control.  It will conflict with any other hormone regulation or correction.)

God bless each of you as you are searching for your own answers.

***Update on 1/7/2013:  I forgot to mention…sometimes, when I wear the magnet during my “good” weeks, it will swing my hormones too far and I am super sleepy.  I take it off on those days and the tiredness lifts within minutes.  You just have to pay close attention to your body!

FamilyPicture

One of the first times my smile was not forced through PMDD. So grateful….

“Laura, How Are You Doing?”

I started to answer in a post from a sweet friend and decided I needed a little extra journal therapy tonight….

Gordita, I honestly don’t know.  I feel like I’m in a war.  I feel like the enemy is gaining ground.  I’ve not given up the fight, but as I win one battle, I begin to realize there are more just around the corner.

Some I win and some I lose.  I have a strong disposition, so laying down my life is not an option, but I am bruised.  I am weary and I want desperately to walk away from it all.

The battle pursues me…
It taunts me and goads me until I rise up and fight back.

I try not to want a normal life. I try desperately to accept I have no days of freedom. I have better and worse days, but I rarely have good days.  It appears I have ADD as well as PMDD and turns out ADD is no joke. 

It is difficult to not want to give up.

And yet, I wake up each day and try.  Why should my life just be about trying though? Why should it be about being an example?

Why shouldn’t my life be about living?  About laughter?  Why shouldn’t my life be about being a mom?

It should be about Christmas and making love. It should be about learning to cook and garden. My life should be about running a marathon and becoming a photographer that others aspire to be.

But that’s not my life. My life is vitamins and long naps.

My life is research and chocolate.

My life is “I’m so sorry” and “I can’t”.

My life is sleepless nights and guilt.

I long to look in the mirror and not see bags and dark circles. I long to see even a hint of who I used to be before my age and hormones decided to say “You’ve had enough for this lifetime. I own your energy, your love, your heart and your mind from this day forward”

* * * * *
After all the ranting about the ridiculousness of the situation, there is actually a flip side.

I know there is a purpose. I don’t appreciate the burden even a little. I don’t feel “blessed” and I am not thankful most of the time that God has chosen this thorn in my flesh.

But… (And I’ve always been told that when you say “but”, everything before it is wiped away, void) Maybe it is.

But:

I have a husband who loves me unconditionally.

I have two children who are learning hard lessons in this life. They will grow into amazing adults because we are letting God heal them along the way. We are teaching them how to adjust to lifes hardships early. They will be the people you want around when you are hurting because their forgiveness and compassion run deep.

I have grace from God because of my weakness. He does indeed become strong, because I have no choice but to let Him take over. Most of the time I’m just a limp fish, but when I do let Him…it’s glorious and He shines brighter in our lives than the sun. He picks up the pieces when I let Him and He holds me when I let go of my stubbornness.

I am not going to lie and say I’m grateful. I’m still not grateful.
I’m pretty resentful. And yet….He is faithful.

I want to be free one day. I may not be free until I leave this body though. And I am not thrilled about it.
I may be trapped for 40 more years in this cycle for the rest of my life.

I have this truth through it all though:

I can’t give up because I feel the love of Christ pushing past all the pain telling me there is a purpose for my life.

It is not beautiful to me now, but His specialty is beauty from ashes.

And I’m counting on it.

Added the next morning:

I posted what was on my mind last night, but I didn’t finish… not really.
The part I left out are the changes happening and the glimpse of hope for the future.
There is a sliver of hope and I didn’t write about that.
In the last two months, I was given a magnet that is helping during the luteal phase which allowed the ADD to be discovered.
The vitamins are starting to help me focus and have a little more energy.
Cutting out breads and sugar has given me a bit more stability.
Sometimes it’s hard to have hope when we are facing physical issues that seem bigger than life.
Please forgive me for leaving out the most important piece of the crazy puzzle.

Hope. ♥

Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight

ROCK STAR

I’m watching Rock of Ages, with Tom Cruise.  Not my favorite movie, but I was thinking, if I had a manager that shielded my worst days from the world.  I could be a doggone rock star in life too.

Not to brag, but:  “I’m kind of a big deal” as my husband says about himself all the time. 🙂

I am a fun, clever, wonderful person…for real.

The abuse  in my childhood/teen years either makes you or breaks you.

It made me who I am today.  That and God.   I know I am a good person somewhere in here.  I know she is there because I see her in the reflection of the eyes of my family and friends sometimes.

I just can’t find her with PMDD most of the time.

I say most of the time, because after years of PMDD, PTSD and adrenal fatigue are also part of my daily life.  This causes the symptoms to run into one another throughout the month.

Last month, I had one of those really good months where I almost forgot I had PMDD and thought it was all in my head.  I saw their reflections and it was magical.

Until then, the last time I felt good was November 2010.   And yes, I remember the month and year of last time I felt energetic and excited about life.  It was so out of the ordinary,  I remember where I was and what I was doing.  I was trying to start a photography business and become a real estate agent and leap over tall buildings with a single bound from all the energy.  It was probably “normal” energy people experience, but I have so little most of the time it felt over the top to me!

Of course December 2010 crept in like thief and started to drain me like a leech drains blood, just like it is now.

Right now, depression is hovering over me.  It is starting to change my breathing pattern.  It’s starting to cloud my mind.  It’s creeping into my muscles and bones.  Depression is not only mental pain.  It’s physical.

It zaps all my energy and carries it away to a place I have yet to find.  It’s hidden, locked away somewhere.

I search for my faith.  I search for God’s face to shine on me.  It doesn’t during these times.  He is hiding out with my joy somewhere.

Christ said, HE is my joy….really? I can’t tell during these times.

I do salvage my faith somehow each month, knowing it is the depression and He is still with me, but oh how I wish I could feel Him. 

 _______________________________________________________________________________________

THE SNIPER

And then there is the sadness. I won’t use the word depression, because it is overused and most people think they already know what it is.

I think sadness is almost more paralyzing than the anger that follows PMDD .  No.  Not harder….  It’s more personal.

Love, joy, hate, anger, happiness, jealousy….None of those feelings exist.  Nothing exists.  Just the blanket of  sadness.

When anger is surging through my body, I am at least alive and I somehow want to stay alive.  The anger is like puppet master who attaches itself to me to control my mouth, my brain, my words.

Sadness is different.  It’s quiet and starts to burrow it’s way down into the pit of my heart.  Once it has latched on to my insides, it is almost impossible to shake for days and days.

In those days, it is better to sleep than to be awake.

Awake will inevitably lead to the fight with death.  Death seduces me and tempts me with the promise of the heaviness being over.

Sad seems such a non-threatening word doesn’t it?  It doesn’t have all the flare of rage or jealously.  It doesn’t boast emotion like joy or anger.  It just sits quietly in my intestines, in my bones, in my head and in my heart waiting to take me out like a sniper in war.

Sadness is war.  Inside.  It is a battle with a stealth enemy no one sees.  I am almost unaware until it whispers:  “You can’t do this anymore“.  “The pain is too much“.  “You will feel better when this life is over“.

BUT WAIT!!!!!  My daughter.  My son.  My husband.  They will miss me.  “So.”  They will be hurt! “But you are hurt“.  I know….

They will be better off without you“.  “Your husband needs a better wife that enjoys life.”  “Your kids might be hurt at first, but they will understand”  No they won’t.  They will be effected for the rest of their lives.

But so will you.   And you hurt them more than you help them, you know that”  I know….

It’s not true.  But it feels like truth in the sadness.

The fight is exhausting. I am weary after 40 years of fighting it and somewhere in the back of my mind, the sniper sits quietly in camouflage waiting to take the last deadly shot, with a slight grin on his face.

But not this time.  Not today.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

BROKEN DREAMS

I am in tears as I write this.  I canceled a photo shoot for the last time today.  I will not stick my head out to the real world again until I am symptom free for at least three months in a row.  I am not sure yet how that will happen (diet, supplements, surgery, etc), but I have to trust there will be a soft landing month after month before I risk disappointing anyone again.

The pain of canceling anything is more than I can bare and it make the depression worse.

I NEED to create…I NEED to live my dream.  It is killing me slowly to have my dreams taken from me.

The following link gives you a glimpse into the passion and joy I have for photography.  Not to show you my work, but to gives you a visual of my potential without PMDD and hopefully you will see my joy there and why the pain of not having it is so deep. (Most of these were taken before I taught myself the importance of lighting, for all you photography buffs)

Front Porch Photography

If You Ever Had a Doubt….

OMG! I was updating the app on my phone today that helps me keep track of my cycle.  As I began searching for the symptoms I am having, I began to laugh.  Out loud.

Not a hearty, full laugh…more like a nervous giggle I guess.

I imagine I looked like a loon laughing at a menstrual app, now that I think about it…..

As I began picking from the various choices, I noticed it took quite a while to scroll to the bottom of the list.

Take a look at what the choices are:

SYMPTOMS

  • Abdominal Cramps
  • Acne
  • Anxiety
  • Astriction (Huh?)  Turns out that is a nice word for constipation based on the picture they chose to use.  Gross.
  • Backaches
  • Bloating
  • Body aches
  • Breast sensitivity
  • Breast tenderness
  • Cervical firmness
  • Cervical mucus
  • Cervical opening
  • Chills
  • Confused
  • Cramps
  • Cravings
  • Diarrhea
  • Dizziness
  • Dyspepsia
  • Fatigue
  • Flow
  • Gassy
  • Headaches
  • Hectic Fever
  • Hot Flashes
  • Insomnia
  • Irritability
  • Itch
  • Migraine
  • Moody
  • Muscle Pain
  • Nausea
  • Neck Aches
  • Night Sweats
  • PMS
  • Queasiness
  • Rash
  • Shoulder Ache
  • Social Anxiety
  • Spotting/Bleeding
  • Stress
  • Tension
  • Trouble Concentrating
  • Vomiting
  • Weight Gain

MOODS

  • Angelic
  • Angry
  • Anxious
  • Assertive
  • Bashful
  • Blues
  • Bored
  • Confident
  • Cranky
  • Depressed
  • Disappointed
  • Distrustful
  • Dynamic
  • Embarrassed
  • Emotional
  • Evil
  • Excited
  • Exhausted
  • Flirtatious
  • Forgetful
  • Frisky
  • Frustrated
  • Furious
  • Sad
  • Grumpy
  • Harsh
  • Homy
  • Hopeful
  • Ill
  • In Love
  • Indifferent
  • Industrious
  • Inspired
  • Jealous
  • Happy
  • Jubilation
  • Lonely
  • Mischievous
  • Misery
  • Bad
  • Nesting
  • Neutral
  • Normal  (No such thing)
  • No Patient
  • Panic
  • Peace
  • Playful
  • Good
  • Proud
  • Pure
  • Satisfied
  • Secretive
  • Sexy
  • Shame
  • Silly
  • Smug
  • Stressed
  • Stunned
  • Surprised
  • Tense
  • Torment
  • Unsafe
  • Weird
  • Worry

When you witness a symptom of PMDD in someone, it is only the tip of the iceberg of what is actually taking place inside.
Be kind to yourself and each other.

So, ladies, it is no wonder we are so irritated (I mean, complex….).  These are not just words listed in a post.

These are deep emotional roadblocks and can be a destructive force to everyone around us.  I think words can be used too loosely  to describe pain sometimes.

Take the word “stressed” for example.   You probably hear people say they are stressed all the time.  “Oh! I’m so stressed”.  Really?  Are you really that stressed, or are you doggone annoyed life is not going your way at the moment and you’d rather have a different outcome?

When a woman with PMDD says “I’m stressed”.  Her body hurts so bad she can barely move.  Her brain and body shut down.  Exhaustion overtakes her and there is no choice but to put her head down.  The stress paralyzes her mind and body and she cannot take one more second of misfortune or she might decide it is no longer worth fighting with this world anymore.

So what reaction do you have to stress?  Next time you hear your wife, daughter, mother or friend with PMDD say “I’m stressed”.  Listen more to what she is not saying and what is lurking under the surface.  She doesn’t have the strength to tell you the rest.

Guys, be patient.  Be kind.  Be love to your partner in this life.  These symptoms and moods are for the most part out of her control.  Truly.

Over time, we can recognize the symptoms if we are fortunate enough to realize what it is.

We can excuse ourselves when we become acutely aware of our mind and body during this time….and 90% of what you see, hear and even feel is not personal.

One last thought.  Ladies, we also cannot use PMDD as an excuse to lose control.  We will lose control, but over time, learn from it.

Learn your own symptoms so well you can spot when you end and PMDD begins.

Embrace it, even, and know the people around you are important enough to fight for.

Fight the urge to say what is on your mind and just walk away from conflicts when you know it’s not you talking.  It isn’t how you really feel anyway.

No one knows the depth of your pain.  They cannot know unless they’ve experienced it.  I know you want desperately to make everyone understand you are hurting.

I understand you don’t want to be alone in your rage.  It is a frightening place to be.

Learn your own methods to pull in your words, actions and feelings for a split second so you are able to excuse yourself.

Educate those around you.  Have conversations when the storm is calm.

Let them know when you do leave, you are not mad at them.  It is important for them to know they’ve probably done nothing wrong or at least their offense is minor compared to how angry it’s making you.

PMDD is a bully.  But it is does not have to win the fight in the end.

Don’t give up.

You are stronger than you know.

We will figure this out together…..